TRUSTING YOU

I have known what I wanted to say for a while but every time I write it, it’s wrong. Thoughts rushing in my head wanting to spill out but the words failing me every time. How do you truly express what is consuming your every being to someone who is not walking in your shoes. How do you speak? What words do you use? Can they really convey what you mean?

I went for a run the other day. A warm day in November calls for an out door run, seizing the opportunity because where we live it might snow 10 minutes later. The warmth called but what I didn’t realize was how much my heart needed to run. No distractions, mind clear and heart renewed as I talked with my savior. The greatest moments of refreshment and clarity have come during a run. Weird, but for me it works and I am all about whatever works.

Sprinting down the road as fast as I could, pushing my body, breathing hard and reaching for mental sanctuary, I noticed a girl sitting in her yard. A yard I have passed hundreds of times, nothing special, but there none the less.  This girl was all alone in the middle of her empty yard, mouth moving as though talking to herself. Maybe she was listening to an iPod or talking on the phone, I didn’t notice. The sight of that girl reminded me of another girl, me. I used to go outside, just beyond the trees, slightly outside the view of the house. There I would dream. I would plan. I would wonder. What would I look like when I was 20? Who would I marry? What would I do?

Here I would pretend what it was like to be an adult. Playing out scenarios on what my life could be, what I thought it would be. The dreams they were endless. A mom, teacher, singer,  and movie star were all there vying for the ultimate dream. They were all great but the truth was as a kid all I could do was trust the adults in my life would teach me the things I needed to be in order to achieve the things I wanted. I did not realize it was trust I just knew they were in control and would take care of me.

Trust as defined by dictionary.com is “reliance based on integrity, strength, ability, surety,etc.,of a person or thing; confidence”.  Some where along the line of this growing up thing, trust, is not as easy as it was when we were young. Suddenly it is not the only option any more, there are choices, opportunity, and just life things. Things that get in the way of the trust. The trust that He is in control. He has a plan. He is good.

We get comfortable in our adultness. Learning, growing and being confident in our decisions. Reveling in the success and remember the hard work, our labor, that is what got us there. Losing site that this is not our home but we are visitors. Visitors that are on a journey to our heavenly home. Putting stock and meaning into things we have and achievements, all good but not the purposes. Trusting ourselves and our ability to get us places.

Sometimes we need to refocus and it comes in ways most needed but least expected.

I have been borderline obsessed with the song Trust In You By Lauren Daigle. The song sounds amazing and the words, literally music to a weary soul. I play it so much my children sing along, asking questions about what it means. What does she mean trust in you, mom? Who is You? Is that someones name? Talk about unintentional teachable moment that leads to an inward parenting party. Hooray, I think I am doing at least one thing right! Taking those moments and holding on to them when I can.

The moments of not understanding, those happen more than the parenting party ones. I will admit it. I will not pretend. There are things that happen that down right baffle me. Yes I have often been left standing wondering what in the word just happened. How did we get here and why on earth is it this hard? Parts of life that little dreaming girl could never, well dream, would be part of life. Then there are those other things I can’t comprehend for they are far too complex for my brain to register. I just do not think that way. Case and point, why the hubby is the engineer and I am not. Numbers and I, well lets just say I cried my way through statistics in college.Truth.
I don’t understand this moment, is where I found myself  the other day. A how did I even get here, moment I didn’t like? This is not what I thought it would be. If you had seen me it would have been a sight. A rare one at that. I was wasted. Really and truly completely wasted exhausted. I didn’t do a lot to physically exhaust me which is my usual, but emotionally I. WAS. DONE. Feeling like I had done battle and barely survived kind of done. We all know the feeling. At one point or another we have all found ourselves tapped out. I can safely say that was me. It was not just one thing, but a series that left me in a state, sobbing in anger, battered and torn, feeling alone and confused. I was walking in a fog I am not accustomed, navigating life that was still moving, trying to hold it together.

I wasn’t alone.  I mean my house was full of happily playing children and my husband had heard my sobs. I did call him at work. Sorry to all those people that may have heard my sobs through the ever sound proof cube he works in. I tried but it was messy and there were tissues. Many, many tissues. Walking alone in my emotion. Mentally feeling the confusion and chaos crash together, tearing at me.

In that moment there is a choice that happens. I had the choice to wallow in my hole of hurt or press through by pressing in. Trust. Something that came so naturally as child but as an adult a whole different thing.  It feels virtually impossible in those moments of complete vulnerability and undoing to just trust. Often lending to the easier option of turning to something, anything that will comfort you. It is in our human nature to seek comfort. The temptation to turn to a friend who will tell you what you want to hear is real, although it may not be what you need to hear. The chocolate bar calling to you deceivingly that it will soothe you but only leaves you empty when it is gone. That bottle of wine that calms and helps you to forget, except in actuality making it worse. They are real, there and waiting for you.

So is HE. Waiting with arms thrown wide.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Mt 11:28

Why does that step seem to be the last one that we think of? Where did that childhood, there is someone taking care of me, go? HIS arms are all ready to embrace those that run to Him and yet we wander astray seeking the temporary comfort of the tangible in exchange of the eternal. HE is the eternal. We know this and yet it is still hard to comprehend, standing on the promises. Trusting in HIM and HIS promises. .Trust is not only an option but THE option. I fall prey, every time to the friend that will rant with me and the chocolate that tastes so good. It is quick and satisfying, for a moment. When the conversation is over or the chocolate is gone, what drove you there, is still present.

This day was no different. In my desperate need for a gripping of my heart and renewal,  I turned on the song.  The one I had been listening to for days. It was not a conscious, I should listen to that song kind of decision but one that just happened. I am so glad it did.  At the top of my lungs, tears streaming down my face, a chorus of little voices in the car with me, ushering in these words.

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!

Lauren Daigle