But…There is so much I won’t say if you don’t. I don’t like conflict and hate it even more when I disappoint someone.
I was once having a conversation with a friend after a long day of shopping. What she said gave me pause…
You are so confident…I wish I were more like you. I could never feel that good about myself.
If we are honest. If I am honest. That is just not the truth. The truth is way harder than a lie, especially when that lie covers up the vulnerability inside. Some times it is easier to hide in that lie than to expose the truth. My lie. Pretending I have got it all figured out.
The truth…I am a mess.
Confidence is an easy wall for me. A natural leader, fun loving, center of attention kind of person, I live life loud. It is easier to do that. Through that confidant exterior you don’t see that inside I am screaming a different story.
If you only knew, my Bible reading is slacking…I feel dry.
You are talking and I have know idea what about….i feel stupid. I wipe noses and butts, read stories and only count to ten during the day. You. You are so smart.
I yell at my kids…if you knew, you would know what a bad mom I am.
I got overlooked…I feel so left out. I wasn’t worth it anyways.
So I will pretend it never mattered anyway. I will tuck it away into the recesses of heart. Only to sneak up, when I need it to go away.
If I am honest…I am a BEAUTIFUL mess. Gods beautiful mess.
I will lay at HIS thrown in my brokenness, while you join me in yours. HIS love and mercy are the only things that can heal. To change our lives. To set us free from ourselves and the bondage. To be what HE would have us to be. It is not worth the act of living something that I am not. It is not worth it.
I will live life loud. I will live my real life loud. I am imperfect, scared and lacking. HE is perfect, sacred, and more than enough. I am thankful for that.
As I continue in the #60daychallenge I am reminded of this very thing. My birthday was yesterday. My hubs asked what I wanted him to make me for dinner. As he asked questions I told him. I was honest. Honest… I just wanted a night just the two of us. The kids put to bed early, a nice dinner and Downton Abbey. No party. No people. No chaos. So totally not me.
You know what…
I foiled his plans. There was a party he was planning that I didn’t know about. I am glad I didn’t know. I wouldn’t have been able to say NO. Fear of disappointing someone or making him feel like his effort wasn’t enough. It would have over ruled what I needed. Quiet. Slow. Peace.
If I am honest. My confidence is in HIS grace. Mercy. Love.
That is all I ever need and I am so thankful.
*I am addicted to this song by Francesca Battistelli*
The dark seems safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I’m a mess and so are you
We’ve built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do[Chorus:]
Bring your brokenness, and I’ll bring mine
‘Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy’s waiting on the other side
If we’re honest
If we’re honestDon’t pretend to be something that you’re not
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay
our secrets down at the cross, at the cross[Chorus]It would change our lives
It would set us free
It’s what we need to be